There’s a struggle that’s been in my heart for years, like two decades kind of years. I try not to get stuck on the what ifs but sometimes I get paralyzed there. The last half of this decade has brought on many more realizations about myself. Age has brought on some wisdom, and experience has too. I think I’ve spent too much time down playing the things that I really enjoy doing and that I have some talent in and thought of them as things that had to be given up….given up because they were so enjoyable or given up because they didn’t really accomplish things for God’s Kingdom. Like that would make Christ love me anymore, or that my sacrifice of those things would make me a better believer or a better follower of Jesus. That giving up became a kind of idol. As I’ve entered a new place in life, trying to figure it all out, this time….THIS TIME, I see. I SEE those things that I thought I should have been sacrificing all this time are the very things that God has given to me to use…..to lead me down paths of knowing and experiencing him deeper, but not only for me but also for the bigger community in Christ. To not sacrifice for the sake of sacrificing, but to allow the things that I do love and do enjoy to be used for His glory and for His Kingdom. I have to create, and make, and when I do I can feel my soul breathe. I feel grounded and free and so satisfied.
But now the new what ifs are a nagging buzz in my ear.